Hi! Just wondering how you folk were feeling today.
As for me, I had a rough last few weeks, but on Friday I started getting out of my funk thanks to the much needed and valued support of a friend.
Finally feeling a bit better today after getting part of my mess together. I still have some stuff to fix before I feel well, but the improvement is nice.
This got me to thinking how you guys were doing, cause idk. Talking about how I was feeling and the problems I’ve been facing with my friend helped me a lot. I thought a space to share or vent might help someone else.
Would really appreciate it if we tried to keep it supportive and non judgmental too. We don’t know what it’s like for others, after all. Thanks in advance. <3
So anyway, how are you?
Edit: Gonna go get something to eat now and have to get some work done, but will be back in a few hours. Take care and thanks to all of you that have shared!
I woke up this morning and eleven minutes later I was convinced that I needed to end it all. Luckily things have gone up from there. Exercise is such a stupid trick but it gives my brain the happy chemicals.
Damn. I’ve been in similar moods / states of mind and they can really be hell. Even did my very best to get the deed done one time, but ended up waking up in a hospital, only to be locked up in a psych ward for months. It was the single most horrible time period of my life.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I know how it feels and I have no doubt in my mind you don’t deserve one ounce of it. I don’t know if anyone does tbh.
I’m glad you could get out of the funk and yeah, exercise seems like one of those things that is all benefit once you get rolling. Glad it helped and hope things pick up. Keep the happy chems flowing. :)
I spent the last seven days in medicine that gives me brain fog because I have a dental abscess that is expanding my jaw. I have a root canal for another tooth tomorrow (later today technically, it’s after midnight now). I’m tired. I’m tired.
That sounds really painful. Sorry you’re going through that. I hope you can get some rest.
Legal weed keeps the teeth from mattering when they hurt.
Which is good because the soonest now the dental abscess is looked at is September.
Damn. I really need to go to the dentist myself. Have some literal holes in my molars that are killing me when i eat nuts and stuff like that. Hope you get the help you need and the root canal goes well, RebekahWSD. Have a good night.
This feels like some right wing bs.
How so?
Maybe some “no true Scotsman” bullshit but it was an honest response.
spring is here again
reproductive glands
Seriously, have been a lot less motivated at work, but have been finding a lot of excitement in gardening, planning for an upcoming international trip, researching and writing/journaling about a topic I enjoy.
That sounds pretty fun. I’m glad you’re finding a way to cope and have rewarding activities! gj, spacecadet.
Me too, edgemaster72. Me too.
Stay strong and keep your mastery on those edges!
Things are so bad (and the future is even worse) so I’ve just stopped caring. Feels better than before, so that’s an improvement!
Well, that’s something. I went through a similar phase and am not really out of it to be perfectly honest. I stopped following local news and politics because it was just emotional self sabotage. Whatever works, you know, Smee, and whatever we gotta do to survive. Best of luck and keep your chin up!
I feel immensely stressed about the US. I already felt stressed under the last guy but this feels wildly different and dangerous. When I spoke to a counselor about this in 2022ish they always just turn it back onto me.
A counselor being dismissive can’t feel good. Really sorry about that. And yeah, the US seems to be pretty chaotic right now. It feels to me like the entirety of western civilization is in crisis sometimes, and I get overwhelmed and stressed. It really does feel very dangerous and I wish it didn’t affect you and so many other people as much as it has.
Not saying I have any solutions but sometimes, when my entire life and everything is going straight to hell, i can make myself feel a little bit better by closing my eyes and remembering the good things I still do have, and just appreciating them for a second amidst the chaos. Like the support of people who care, the little health I have left, the roof over my head and my computer. haha. In my case it ain’t much, but it could be a lot worse. For me, anyway.
Just those little moments of trying to find some precarious version of inner peace make it a bit more manageable to me. Not that they’ll fix anything regarding circumstance, but they let me catch a breath and sometimes that’s what I need.
Thanks for taking the time to open up and I really wish the world becomes a friendlier place for you and all of us. Take care and with any luck, those counselors will start doing their jobs better to actually help people having a crisis.
Stay strong, ocean.
Just general melancholy.
I have had severe trust issues my entire life which has led me to being very alone. I have gone to many many many therapists and not a single one has ever been able to tell me something I don’t already know.
I know why I got this way. I know how it manifests. I understand where it infects my relationships and how it effects others.
No matter what I do I cannot fully let anyone in. Obviously I trust people to varying degrees in my life, but even those closest to me (Mother/Father) I do not trust implicitly.
People say things like “you just have to trust people again” which feels akin to telling depressed people to “just be happy” again.
Every time someone gets close to me I lock down and keep them at arms length. I was explaining it to one of my exes recently. She is probably someone I trust the most and I told her it’s like doing a bellyflop. I am all aboard the trust train and then right before impact I flinch involuntarily. I can’t stop myself. No matter how hard I try I just cannot relinquish control and I end up stopping people short.
Another analogy I have used is that there is a wall. Everyone I have ever met or known is outside the wall. Including me. I don’t even trust myself entirely. Some people are allowed closer to the wall. Very few people can even lean up against that wall but nobody has been allowed over that wall as long as I can remember.
Anyways I once again hurt someone recently because of my inability to trust and I felt really bad about it. I have a lot of self hatred and anger directed at myself because of it.
What’s confusing to me is that I am actually an unbelievably open book with anyone. Anyone can ask me any question about anything in my life and I will answer it honestly if they want me to. I can’t get this book any more open… And yet I can’t trust anyone fully.
So I’m 32 now and I haven’t had a serious relationship since before covid. I have had a few dates and FWB situations since then, but they always get emotionally attached and I end up having to end things because I know that path leads nowhere and I don’t want them wasting their time and energy on a guy that’s never going to let them in.
I’m feeling a little better about everything today than yesterday but still pretty shitty today. Just trying not to eat away my sadness like I want to.
Well that sounds hard as hell. Sorry, MoreFPSmorebetter. Really sorry. And umm… can relate. A whole lot, actually. Like, your issues sound so much like my own it’s nuts. I feel deeply represented by your struggles.
I also try to keep maximum honesty and try to let people in, but it feels like part of me just won’t open up to trust, no matter how hard I try and truly want to be seen by someone. Anyone, sometimes. It’s like There’s always an emotional tightness inside me somewhere that is clenching on something intimate, for some reason, and will not let go for anything. Like part of my heart is for no one. Not even myself. It is only to be hidden and locked in at all cost.
Your post actually gave a lot of insight into my own condition, so I appreciate you sharing and I think I’ll benefit from your story. I wish I could offer something in return, but beyond hearing, relating and knowing what it’s like I have no tools or solutions that help with the core issue. If I did, I probably would be out enjoying my life instead of trying to feel better about myself and exorcise my deeply rooted shame by trying to help strangers have it better here… So I guess, in some weird way, something good is coming out of all my bs, for someone at least.
Despite your issues being unresolved and causing you pain, I don’t think your progress is meaningless. It gave me insight, anyway. If anything but that, it’s something I’m grateful to you for. Thanks for helping me introspect.
I guess what I really feel is that the future is uncertain for those like us, but I know I become a better person when I have hope for myself. I treat myself and others more kindly and carefully and with more consideration… Even if they never get across the wall, I make my best efforts to throw them things that might be useful to them from behind it. I really do.
I eat my sadness away too and have been doing so the last few weeks, and i’ll tell you something… It hasn’t helped. The void’s still there. The situation doesn’t change. I just feel more guilty and more ashamed, only with a full stomach.
I think I’m gonna go get something healthier to eat now. It’s way past lunch time and I’ve been starving myself. Thanks for the reminders, please treat yourself with more kindness and umm… idk… good luck. I sometimes have faith in myself, so I can definitely have faith in you.
Some day we’ll tear down the wall. Some day.
Thanks for sharing. <3
Let’s just promise that if either one of us figures out a solution to our trust issues we let the other one know the secret.
In a weird way I’m glad to hear there are other people with the same predicament I have. Until you nobody has ever really seemed to understand what I’m talking about. So while it still sucks at least I know I’m not the only person who has been unable to cross that line.
Thanks for letting me have the mini trauma dump. I hope you have a good day.
You have my word.
Thanks for the insight and I hope you have a great day too!
Feel like shit in general since January, not only because of global events but also because of various shitty things happening in my personal life that coincidentally occurred around the same time. I have to say that when it seems like the world is actively on fire and burning down it severely affects my ability to compartmentalize. Like there’s an extra layer of gloom over everything.
It’s nice out today and I’m not feeling particularly awful, though. I made mini chicken pot pies so I’m looking forward to lunch.
Hi, Cid.
First of all, really sorry to hear that. It really does seem like the world is getting messy and having that mix up with personal stuff can’t be fun. Sometimes to me it’s like when it rains, it pours… Like why can’t it be one thing at once in manageable intervals? When stuff goes down for me, it feels like everything falls apart at once.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that. The gloom can be brutal. It ain’t pretty, but I think you have the right attitude. You know… appreciating a good day and feeling good about being a bit better kinda makes the weight more bearable. And chicken pot pies sound pretty damn good. Not gonna lie. haha.
Really appreciate you sharing and I hope things pick up for you and all of us. Have a great lunch! :)
My Cat didn’t come back since Saturday. I am assuming it won’t come back, so that is really pulling me down at the moment. Besides that spring really made life better, the sunlight helps with a lot of stuff.
I wish everyone a great start into the better part of the year.
Deeply sorry about your cat, Sickduck. That sucks. :( Losing a pet can be heartbreaking and I’m sure it’s been a struggle. I hope you feel better soon, and I’m glad the spring is helping a bit.
Thanks for the good wishes and I hope it picks up for you. Stay strong! <3
I have unresolved feelings of extreme guilt for abandoning my loving ex, for abandoning my sibling when they needed me most, for abandoning anyone who depended on me for support.
I’m okay day to day with caffeine to help focus my thoughts on the task at hand, but sometimes after too many coffees I lie awake at night spiralling into my head, living out fantasies of parallel worlds where I betrayed no one and am loved by all.
I ultimately dont think I’m a very nice person, and tend to act unconsciously towards my own self-preservation and interest. Writing stuff down helps, but I’ve decided to bite the bullet and go seek actual help.
tend to act unconsciously towards my own self-preservation and interest.
I don’t see that as a fault. One must take care of themselves first, then if possible, take on the burden of others.
Many people do the opposite and tend to everyone’s needs but their own. Then they fall apart at some point, never fulfilled.
You may have codependent friends or family like that skewing your perception of what’s best, causing you all this undue guilt.
Well that sounds like a lot to handle, tetris11, even with the caffeine and distractions… and those spiralling thoughts at night don’t sound like a picnic either.
I don’t know if you’re a nice person or not, or the quality of the decisions you’ve made. Even if I knew everything you’ve ever done, though, I wouldn’t be qualified to decide that imo. I wouldn’t know what the experience of being you was. I wouldn’t know how you had it. How well or bad you feel. How being in your shoes is.
I’m glad you’re seeking help and I hope it gets you through this… and this is just a thought by someone who knows nothing about you, but maybe you could also, in parallel, try to be a bit compassionate with yourself. Maybe you messed up and maybe you caused damage, but also maybe… just maybe… you were also suffering, didn’t know what to do, were scared, or in pain or mad or whatever. I don’t know… Maybe your needs and circumstances aren’t meaningless in the context of your decisions, you know? Maybe your inner world also matters. I also often experience extreme guilt and you know what it doesn’t do? Help me. At least until I take a determination on how to act in the future… In my case It’s 90% self flagellation. And whatever it is for you, I hope it becomes less painful.
I really hope you feel better and I’m super happy you’re taking the initiative to fight those inner demons. Stay strong and keep fighting to improve! <3
Thanks, and yeah there definitely is an aspect of self-flagellation, since I’m not quite sure I actually want to forgive myself just yet. We’ll see.
How did your Friday happen? Did your friend reach out to you, or did you reach out to them for support?
Well for me it’s been like I deeply hated myself for many, many years with no desire to forgive myself for any of my mistakes. My inner dialogue was complete self hate. So yeah, I get it. You’re not there yet. Nowadays I still am unkind to myself internally, but sometimes I try to listen to the other side of me that made whatever mistake I’m ruminating on. The part that had some kind of need or pain. Just hearing them out a bit. Not justifying or embracing the mistake, just hearing out the circumstance. And it helps me a bit. Still have some days where I forgive myself nothing, but those are usually bad days.
Sometimes i think it’s just me lashing out on myself cause it’s what I was taught you’re supposed to do when you feel bad. It’s what I saw in my father do and what he did to me. Maybe I’m just a piece of shit too, you know? Who knows? What I do know is I become a better person to others when I just listen to myself a bit more. That’s me, anyway.
Friday was weird. I had a work obligation with this friend I’m starting a project with. He’s a person who’s deeply connected with his feelings and others in a weird way. Like, he’s a really good person and takes others into consideration more than anyone I know. He’s suffered great personal loss, which I won’t get into, and deep emotional pain and I think that somehow forced him to focus on what he considered valuable and worthwhile.
Anyway, that morning I told him I was feeling crappy and that we should meet up later in the afternoon to talk personal stuff (to force myself to get out of my apt and my own head, which i don’t always do). When it was time to go out, I felt so miserable about not doing basically anything all week, called him and told him I hadn’t done any progress regarding our project and just wanted to focus on finishing the stuff if that was ok. He said he wanted to meet. I said I’d prefer not to and then asked if he wanted to, and he said that he did.
So I wasn’t willing to go for my own benefit but did because I felt an obligation towards him and didn’t want to be a crappy friend. So I showed up, despite my shame.
We talked. He knows I struggle so he was gentle, but asked what was up. We went through what I was dealing with and he reassured me that whatever I was going through, getting out starts with knowing that there is a way out of my own head and visualizing the feeling of being out. Just knowing what it would feel like would help, he said. He also reminded me a few life lessons I like to forget. It felt really good. Someone caring, you know? Really helped.
I started picking up after myself the next few days. Slowly, but better each day, and feeling a bit better each day.
So TL;DR: I reached out, then backed off, then he insisted I showed up, so I did and it helped a lot.
And yeah, I guess we’ll see about you forgiving yourself. We’ll see how you get there and what it takes, and I truly believe we’ll see the wonderful person that emerges from that process. We will see. We’ll all see. :)
Thanks for asking, btw. <3
He sounds like a really good friend, patient and understanding.
I like your idea of listening and accepting your thoughts. I distract myself every way and when, and I think it doesn’t help with the processing, so maybe I’ll take a leaf out of your book and maybe just sit and reflect a little and see if I can come to peace with some of my mistakes.
Have a good day, stranger :-)
Honestly Dock, I think I might be mentally unwell, today I saw a cheap lemonade stand maned by a cow that said psychiatric help 10¢ and I thought it would be a good idea to get help from it, clearly I must be insane.
Well… I’m not a doctor or have any kind of relevant education or training in order to qualify me to actually treat people in any way. Just starting off with that.
I’m just a friendly ear with a poorly photoshopped pudu in doctor’s clothes behind a cheap lemonade stand that’s willing to listen and will try to connect with what you’re going through in hopes of making some stranger’s life just a tiny bit better. That’s me.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but if you wanna talk, I’m listening. And I have no way of telling, let alone diagnosing, if you’re insane or not, but hey, if you are, you’re not the only one in this thread. lol.
Whether you are unwell or you aren’t, would love to hear more about it. So what do you say? Feel like sharing? pours lemonade and take out notebook
Work: Pretty chill in general, but especially nowadays
Family: Kids are healthy and growing
Hobbies: I’ve reconnected with some earlier hobbies of mine and rediscovered why I loved it to begin with.
Household: Almost done refurbishing this one room.
Money: Perfect storm of good news, such as tax return, expense claim payout, and misc other things result in me finally being able to afford a much needed car upgrade.All in all, slightly better than usual
Woah! Sounds like things are lining up, at least in the sense of these aspects of your life! Very happy for you about the good news and an upgrade sounds good. Congrats on refurbishing the room, too. Those things take a lot of work and when they’re complete it feels really satisfying.
Glad you’re slightly better than usual, neidu3. Even if it’s not much, it makes me happy someone out there is better than they used to. Thanks for telling us about your world. Hope it keeps picking up!
