Well for me it’s been like I deeply hated myself for many, many years with no desire to forgive myself for any of my mistakes. My inner dialogue was complete self hate. So yeah, I get it. You’re not there yet. Nowadays I still am unkind to myself internally, but sometimes I try to listen to the other side of me that made whatever mistake I’m ruminating on. The part that had some kind of need or pain. Just hearing them out a bit. Not justifying or embracing the mistake, just hearing out the circumstance. And it helps me a bit. Still have some days where I forgive myself nothing, but those are usually bad days.

Sometimes i think it’s just me lashing out on myself cause it’s what I was taught you’re supposed to do when you feel bad. It’s what I saw in my father do and what he did to me. Maybe I’m just a piece of shit too, you know? Who knows? What I do know is I become a better person to others when I just listen to myself a bit more. That’s me, anyway.

Friday was weird. I had a work obligation with this friend I’m starting a project with. He’s a person who’s deeply connected with his feelings and others in a weird way. Like, he’s a really good person and takes others into consideration more than anyone I know. He’s suffered great personal loss, which I won’t get into, and deep emotional pain and I think that somehow forced him to focus on what he considered valuable and worthwhile.

Anyway, that morning I told him I was feeling crappy and that we should meet up later in the afternoon to talk personal stuff (to force myself to get out of my apt and my own head, which i don’t always do). When it was time to go out, I felt so miserable about not doing basically anything all week, called him and told him I hadn’t done any progress regarding our project and just wanted to focus on finishing the stuff if that was ok. He said he wanted to meet. I said I’d prefer not to and then asked if he wanted to, and he said that he did.

So I wasn’t willing to go for my own benefit but did because I felt an obligation towards him and didn’t want to be a crappy friend. So I showed up, despite my shame.

We talked. He knows I struggle so he was gentle, but asked what was up. We went through what I was dealing with and he reassured me that whatever I was going through, getting out starts with knowing that there is a way out of my own head and visualizing the feeling of being out. Just knowing what it would feel like would help, he said. He also reminded me a few life lessons I like to forget. It felt really good. Someone caring, you know? Really helped.

I started picking up after myself the next few days. Slowly, but better each day, and feeling a bit better each day.

So TL;DR: I reached out, then backed off, then he insisted I showed up, so I did and it helped a lot.

And yeah, I guess we’ll see about you forgiving yourself. We’ll see how you get there and what it takes, and I truly believe we’ll see the wonderful person that emerges from that process. We will see. We’ll all see. :)

Thanks for asking, btw. <3