I feel like the endless struggles of life have worn my entire personality away. I used to have things I was interested in, things I enjoyed, goals. Music, I absolutely loved 80s rock and metal especially, I had several book series I loved so much I would read them over and over, I was really into hiking, I wanted to fight to improve animal rights. I used to be really into psychedelics and tried to use them to expand my consciousness, I had one particularly mind blowing experience of ego death where I experienced the one-ness of everything and it brought me comfort over the years.

But now I don’t feel enjoyment or interest in anything. I listen to music I used to love and feel nothing. I don’t have the energy to pick up a book and read, it seems overwhelming. I can hardly walk now due to my physical issues and I have no strength to achieve anything or confidence that any good can come of anything. And as for the psychedelic experiences, I feel it was probably just shroom-induced psychosis or something rather than a real spiritual experience. Because why would the universe show me a scene of universal harmony only to plunge me into an existence of dissonance and discord?

I feel like my entire personality has been wiped away and all that’s left is a mass of anxiety that spends its entire existence struggling to get the basic necessities of life. I’m so in survival mode all the time that there is no longer any space left in me for anything higher than survival. Music and novels and films that I found beautiful and that really touched me, now I barely have the energy to watch or listen and if I do, I feel nothing.

My entire existence is condensed down to endless worrying about food and shelter and what I need to do to achieve those things. I feel like my life experiences have rotted away my neo-cortex and all that’s left is a reptilian brain with no higher thoughts or feelings. No enjoyment of anything. I’m just a physical mass that evolved out of pondslime and is struggling to exist in a brutish world of endless struggle.