Yeah…

I’m still in that whole “I literally have to put down whatever I’m doing and take some time to try and calm down just because I’m stressing out over what happened with my brother” kind of mindset.

The worst fucking part is… my therapist listened to me explain the situation, and even he himself said such self-judgment may be going a bit too far, but I simply cannot stop with the self-judgment.

I will never talk to these family members again, yes. Nothing will make me change my mind that this is the right thing to do. However, that doesn’t make sitting with these feelings any better. It doesn’t change the fact that this happens to be another point of added stress on top of other things I’m stressing over. I think the feelings of isolation I felt during my birthday kind of got me to focus in on these feelings again.

I’ve hated myself my whole life. Of course, there are numerous reasons for my self-hatred. I’ve hated myself for my race, my gender, and my neurodivergence, yes, but I also have hated myself just due to the broad perception of myself as a bad person undeserving of happiness. I feel myself to be immoral in some way… not that I intend to, but, obviously, I’ve harmed so many people.

At some point, intention simply does not matter. I’m far too scared to stop being closed off from other people. Not only do I have to constantly fear bigotry, assault, and physical violence, but in a moment that I do encounter a person who is willing to put up with me at first, eventually, I’ll do or say something that harms them.

I’ve had to stop talking to people because of the harm they’ve done to me, but things especially hurt knowing that I’ve had to stop talking to people because of the harm I’ve done to them.

It brings me back to my ex-girlfriend. I did something unforgivable to her, and I told her that I never want to do it to her again. Now, it’s unforgivable in my eyes, but she herself actually did forgive me and told me I’m being “unfair” by closing myself off from talking to her ever again, but I don’t think I was. I have a long history of causing damage to people, and obviously, I don’t intend it. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I caused her more harm. I’ve already done enough.

This situation is what led me to getting a crush on that woman who’s quite older than me (I don’t know if any of you recall) because she was the one who comforted me through that really bad situation. Even on her end, she told me that she finds I didn’t do anything wrong to her, but I cannot agree with her.

What this helped me to realize is that my mind always sides with placing the blame on myself.

It’s bad enough that I judge myself a lot, but considering that a user on the original post about the incident with my brother commented that they agree with my brother, and such comment was viewed very favorably, it hurts. It hurts to the point of excessive anxiety, a growing sense of hopelessness, and a concern for what I should do with myself.

I’m in panic mode right now… I’m genuinely not sure what I should do in a case like this. I don’t know. My thoughts are rushing all over the place.

I was thinking of reaching out and getting some immediate professional help because I feel the lowest I’ve felt in ages right now, but I realized I cannot do that. That will actually exacerbate my situation because it could lead to some time in a hospital where I’m facing discrimination from the staff and being kept away from things I have to do in my life, like some job interviews. But I must say that puts me in a bit of a catch-22 because things like job interviews seem like they have less of a point when I feel like this.

Knowing I do so much wrong, I want to close the post by saying this: I apologize if I’ve said or done anything to any of you that hurt you. I didn’t intend it, and I understand your pain. It happens a lot, and I’m really sorry.