This will be different than the usual post I do. Mainly because I have now had enough time to look back on my various experiences and think about it all.

I am writing this while taking public transport back to my place. The sex was alright, although nothing amazing, nor was I reciprocated, but that was expected. A faceless profile, although did post his face after asking, discrete “full top” older man that was uncomfortably inching closer to my parent’s age more than I would have liked.

It was a boring day, I went in not expecting the sex to be great but mainly curiosity on my part. A confirmation of my own preferences really, and this has sealed the deal.

After the event, we talked a tiny bit. He complained that he was on night-shift having to travel into a town that was 100% outside the city we were living in. I asked about his rent in his place, because it painfully reminded me of the place that I lived years ago. The number that came out of his mouth was a bit unbelievable considering he did not even have a shower head, and that the flat was clearly haphazardly built on top of the roof of the council building, which is why the elevator doesn’t even lead to it and you need to take stairs that is definitely too steep for anyone with mobility issues.

He complimented me right after the sex, said that I should have it chopped off since I would look “so sexy”, and after making a face of disbelief he clarified that people in Thailand usually do that. I tried explaining to him in a language he understands - “I am not a girl”. And he instantly asked - “oh so you want to get married?”

I should have expected that response, and my answer to that is a solid no, but not how he would have interpreted it. I don’t believe in same-sex marriage as an end that is beneficial for anyone but the upper class gays who rarely face the brunt of discrimination anyways.

I quickly cleaned myself up and packed up as he also had to get going to his work. I had to walk across a park to reach the nearest station and decided to sit down and think about what just happened. I have had a lot of “fun” with many people now, of age gaps that would definitely creep out any straight person.

Looking back, I just find it all a bit funny. For many years, I lived a similar story of so many, internalised homophobia for much of my early teenager years. A lot of years of guilt and regret for something that has yet to happen. I have now lived multiple years in weeks. Getting a glimpse of many gay lives, both closeted and open, both young and old. Every life a unique and sometimes common, and sometimes a sad story to tell.

I myself am an interloper in this megacity, a so-called Third Culture Kid, an immigrant, a person with an “international accent”, a person with torn identities. The cliche continues running amok, there’s no point in containing it.

I could say I regret what I have done so far, but I have not. I could say that I am scared of the future, but I am not. I could say I am an hyper-sexual sex addict, but I really am not. That’s what I have learnt.

We continue walking on this Earth and cross heavily convoluted paths. We learn. Constantly. Sometimes without wanting to.

Stay safe all.