No gf, no friends, it’s hard to meet new people. Tinder and other apps don’t work. Idk even if I travel somewhere I’m alone
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I have no spouse, I have one friend who lives in another state, and I live alone and work from home. I personally enjoy my solitude because I can live without pressure/expectations. Before getting into a relationship, maybe fuck around a little? Not in regards to cookie, but was there something you wanted to try, but were afraid of making a mess? A hobby you wanted to try, but we’re shy about, like a instrument or singing, etc.? This is the time to do all that. Make cookies at 3 am, walk around in your undies, do that 5 minute craft, listen to that guilty pleasure song and sing all the words. Watch that kid’s movie you’ve been curious about. A lot of people go from one family to another, or to a roommate. You have been given a season of you, don’t skip it.
Find people with common interests and try to make friends. Maybe with an app like Meetup or some other friends making apps.
ITT: Bunch of assholes telling you “have you tried to NOT having a cold” when your nose is clearly leaking.
If you don’t understand how it feels to be lonely, any advice you give is awful and full of entitlement.
Maybe it’s just my own bias, but I assumed the advice comes from people who have been or are lonely, and are talking about what helped them.
The worst depths of loneliness I’ve had were when I lived in a country where I didn’t speak the language well, and was in a tiny, tiny town. The way I got out of it was threefold. One was being kinder to myself. I indulged myself in just being alone. Watching movies on my laptop and trying my hand at creative writing, which I had always wanted to do, but hadn’t done. The second was getting into better physical shape. Even half assing it made me feel better: I’m a biologist so I can attest to the fact that one’s mental health improves with a little healthier physical body, if it’s possible. Finally…I just had to be comfortable being awkward. I was the bizarre foreigner who didn’t understand customs or the language, and even when I had assholes being kind of a jerk… Whatever! I just did my thing, went to social events as regularly as I could stomach (once a week ish), and was surprised at how after a month or so, things really did turn around. I found asking questions to be a way to get to know people and places. Other people love to talk and answer questions, even when you didn’t ask a question: as we’ve all seen in this thread.
None of that is to say it will work for everyone, or even anyone else… But I understand the pain of loneliness. So if sharing my experience can help anyone, please grant me some leniency if I’m being a tone deaf jerk, because that’s not my intent!
It’s true that I know most most of advices from this thread. I’m also know that I should to use them, and I try but it’s hard IRL. Sometimes I just break up like today and every answer to me is like getting in contact with some human. Satisfy some social need idk
Well here’s another reply from a human. I saw your post, you’re not alone.
I understand, sometimes you just need to scream and rant. It is a good thing.
When I get anxiety this hard, I usually take a very long walk until I get exhausted, so I could think for myself instead of hearing my subconscious how awful things are.
After taking a break, you’ll notice that this voice is always emotional, with 0 logic, full of exaggerated negativity, and will try to convince you that “this is how you die today”, which is pretty much bullshit and incredibly unrealistic. For me at least, that voice will always try focus on the worst in people. When I feel alone is pretty much this.
Sometimes I get a crazy though like telling me “you’re done, dead, there is no going back” for something so trivial as remembering I have to take the dog out tomorrow (not now or yesterday, tomorrow). There is no win unless you ignore it and push through. And even if you commit, it’s still fucking hard.
In the ADHD community, a lot of sound advice for building good habits and coping mechanisms overlaps a lot with “just don’t have ADHD” advice because the advice still works, even if it’s significantly harder to pull off with ADHD.
There’s less overlap for depression, but there still is some between sound advice and “just don’t be sad lol”.
I’m sure there’s some overlap in this case for lonliness.
One of the tough things about this stuff is that it is very easy to convince yourself that nobody understands what you’re going through, so when you don’t see immediate results from advice that means they’re just wrong and there’s nothing you can do. The most important piece of advice is to never give up.
All that said, if everyone in this thread is giving bad advice that shows they don’t understand, you’re implying that you do understand. So where’s your advice?
Or did you just comment to discourage people from trying to help and leave OP to suffer?
Or did you just comment to discourage people from trying to help and leave OP to suffer?
Sure dude, both discouraging people from “helping” (lol) and leaving OP to suffer are obviously the same thing. /s
First of all: OP didn’t ask for advice. Second: I’m discouraging people from giving bad advice.
I can relate to OPs suffering. I know is though, and I undestand on my own experience how OP feels. I know that the only solution for it’s like another commenter said: “get used to it”. OP probably knows this too.
With some projection from me, I can assume he’s only trying to rant over this, thats why OP
askedsaid it on this sub. That’s why he hasn’t answered other comments beside hobbies. OP is trying to relate to people this way.So when people show up full of self-indulgence thinking “OP NEEDS MY ADVICE”, then it’s clear those comments are more for themselves than for OP. So congrats, you’ve given yourselves a pat on the back. If that’s your attitude, you can fuck off.
Yeah, many of these “advices” are as useful as a Chinese fortune cookie. They’re just not applicable. I bet theres another 2 coming with “get a hobby or meet up” dude
Join a club or organization or volunteer somewhere. It has to be in person and you have to go even if at first you aren’t comfortable.
All the friends people make at school are happy accidents of proximity and chance. Same with coworker friends. You have to make some luck for yourself, put yourself in situations where you will regularly see the same people and get to know them through what you are doing.
Also, don’t focus on romance, focus on friendship. Romance will come naturally - not forced.
I know this does not come easy for most people in your situation. It feels stupid and awkward but chance and circumstances play a huge role in making friends.
I’m sick of hearing this dumb advice tbh
What’s dumb about it?
The biggest is living in a sparsely populated area without good (or at times, any) transportation options. Add in money and solitary-or-niche hobbies for good measure.
There is also probably a point to be made about not having previous luck with friends in school, or romance not once ever coming naturally.
Many can’t do it. Plus is not a guaranteed solution
Buddy, I hate to say it but there is no guaranteed solution. This advice is the best bet without knowing your life story. Do what works for you, but don’t give up and try different things, even things that are hard or scary.
Where do I find clubs? Been searching for an answer ever since the library in my city didn’t even have a bulletin board
Rural US will be a shitshow for it.
There should be one in most places people congregate for fun: rock gyms, state parks/NF orgs, community centers, sewing/hobby stores, sorts leagues, idk… Can’t hurt to literally call around. It’s super awkward but “hi i have an interest in this and want to know how i can get involved” usually has two possible answers: “Idk”, or “OH YEAH! Check out these resources!”
You can also try community colleges and sometimes universities. Clubs may be open to the public.
Have you tried Meetup? I found some interesting board game groups there.
I found 1 (one) online d&d session, from Istanbul where I don’t live
İt’s not great, Facebook’s even worse
That requires a highly regional specific answer. I could give a dozen answers, but did you ask the librarian for help? In the US a librarian should be able to help you figure it out for your city.
Good advice, but from personal experience, romance does not come naturally.
I know that it’s not true for some people, but many people want love more than they want friends, and their constant seeking love cause otherwise simple friendships to get awkward and fizzle out.
Maybe, but to those who romance would appear naturally when in a friends group, they would not be in this position in the first place.
Yes, this is about the people who it does not come naturally to. I’m saying surrounding yourself with friends will help with loneliness and friends can either become romantic interests OR better yet they introduce you to people you may get interested in.
Don’t overthink it. We can’t give advice to solve all of someone’s problems. We can get them in a better spot though.
Probability, chance. Do things that regularly put you face to face with people and you will have many more opportunities to make friends and meet love interests.
That is one of my favorite angles when trying to lift up someone who is discouraged about dating or friendship. Our minds are not equipped to really understand just how big the world is. There are a functionally infinite amount of people to meet. Even if you filtered humanity down to fluent speakers of your language, your preferred gender, close in age, you’re probably looking at more introductions / blind dates than you could ever possibly accommodate in your lifetime. It sounds trite to say “there are always more fish in the sea” but you can always keep trying.
Exactly, you don’t gain anything forcing yourself like that
Well we can be all lonely, here, TOGETHER! 🤗
🥲
It’s not just loneliness, my friend. It’s a brutal cycle. A prophecy foretold, one that you’ll probably have to get up and break with some difficult to find laughter and energy in a social setting. This doesn’t necessarily mean go to places. Find a Discord group, for instance.
Hell, I started Jiu Jitsu 1. Because I need to lose weight and 2. Because I’d like to be around people at least some of the time when I’m not working.
I also recommend martial arts, especially for socially awkward people, lessons are very directed so you don’t have to worry about what to do with your hands. There’s a style for everyone, artistic, traditional, competitive, self-defense etc…
I read this like you started Jiu Jitsu 1 because you needed to lose weight and Jiu Jitsu 2 (the sequel) to meet people.
Tbh, every Jiu Jitsu class feels like a sequel. Arm Lock 2: The JJ Electric Boogaloo - Tap or Die.
Probably was just an update of 1
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You just better get used to it. When I was a teen people tell you that I’ll come, don’t rush things… Almost 20 years later and things are worse than ever.
“But get a hobby!” Guys, you can’t just fake interest in something just to know people. Some of us just DON’T want interesting lives, I just like gaming and that isolation it gave up only made things worse. Especially where I live where no adult has these type of hobbies
What helped me was realising there are many people are just as lonely as me. When I force myself to engage, in little ways (even as much as a hello), people seem to take it as an opportunity to speak and it’s quite nice.
I told a quiet neighbour merry Christmas the other day, and he was more animated than I’d ever seen him.
I’m not saying this will help you, though I hope it has some positive bearing as a consideration.
Find a hobby you enjoy, even if it isn’t a social hobby. Get involved in that. Get involved in the community around it, whether that’s local or online. Start talking to people, find other common interests. Branch off into those interests with small groups from your hobby, or new groups entirely.
I don’t know you, so this isn’t a judgement of you or your situation, but people don’t like one-dimensional people. Find a variety of things you enjoy doing just for yourself that isn’t just video games or YouTube or tv, and then find spaces where people talk about those things. Start going to a gym or taking fitness classes, or join a hobby painting group, or a TCG/board game group, or a book club, or a jogging/biking group, or a crochet circle. Volunteer at local food banks or animal shelters.
Meeting a variety of people and having different, interesting things to talk to them about will help you make friends. Making friends will help you meet potential partners and practice communication skills to make the relationship work. It isn’t always easy or fast, but everything I’ve found a partner it was after I told myself “you know what, I’m don’t waiting for friends and companionship to fall in my lap. I’m going to go out and make it happen, or at least have fun on my own if I can’t find others to have fun with”.
Yeah I have only a very generic hobbies like games, books, rock and travelling when I have money to do it. But it’s usually a cheap journey by bus with sleeping in cheap hostel etc. Without any luxuries as insert girls on tinder and expect such trips from men. I’m study finance part-time and work also, I have limited time for new hobbies. Also I still have to spend some time every day for learning English cause you see as it is :)
Games have game nights! Books have book clubs! Rock (music?) has concerts and shows! Traveling has so, so many people!
From there, opportunity is really what you make it. Insert yourself into conversations you overhear that you’re interested in; it’s as simple as making a joke while smiling and laughing and you’ve got a new group of friends. Sometimes this is only for the day, but sometimes it’s for life!
Being alone comes in two forms. You can be alone and recede into yourself, closing yourself off from others. Or you can be alone while navigating interactions with people. The intention you should try to hold is one where you are existing in the world to observe and be observed!
When you observe, you are also observed. As I said, all it takes is making an initial passing conversation – you are at a rock show and someone says something you agree with. Look at them and smile and agree. Before you know it, you are talking with a group of people.
This happens every day, it happened to me just the other night. My flight was cancelled and the person behind me was in the same situation. We joke and commiserate for an hour as we wait. Sometimes this becomes a friendship, sometimes you go your separate ways, all it takes is expressing how fun it was and that the friendship should continue.
In terms of romance, friends of friends. It’s possible to meet online, but others have explained very well how fickle that can be. It is not reliable. Friends. Of. Friends. It is possible to meet in public, but it is not reliable because, like you, everyone has intentions for the day, and sometimes that does not include interaction with strangers. And remember, your family are friends too. Do you have siblings or parents or grandparents? Surely they know people your age, have a dinner party. Do you work? Coworkers are always interesting, of course we don’t often want to think about or continue to interact with coworkers outside of work but you can always express how you’re looking to do something after work or over the weekend and invite them, and invite them to also invite their friends.
Rarely is opportunity created unless we go out of our way to create one. This is why so many people suggest hobbies, as it’s the bare minimum way to go out of your way to create an opportunity. This is also why people don’t like hobbies as a suggestion, because in the grand scheme of things, the only “solution” is to break out of a comfort zone that you have and to do something that you may not always want to do. Discomfort is growth and how you grow is up to you, based on how you react to the opportunities that do arise.
Unfortunately in life, we must sometimes face discomfort before finding comfort. If all you ever want to do is stay in your room and play games, you aren’t really giving yourself any opportunity to face discomfort and grow. At that point you have to reconcile with yourself.
I hope you find this helpful!
English language practice groups would give you a boost on learning and a potential pool of people who might be friend candidates.
I second others’ advice on friends first, not romance. Romantic relationships are friendships on super hard mode. Don’t target romantic relationships if you haven’t figured out friendships yet.
Also this:
Without any luxuries as insert girls on tinder and expect such trips from men
… makes you sound like an incel sad sack. Stop it. Literally, stop right now and don’t go down that road any further. There are few red flags that burn brighter than this sort of opinion. It will scare both potential romantic partners and friends off. If you are consuming incel/red pill media, stop before it fucks up your brain even more.
Seconding what this guy said about the incel mindset. There is nothing less attractive than selfpity and blaming others. Everyone knows life is hard and people suck. They want to be around people who haven’t given up. It gives them more energy to keep trying.
That’s the truth though, if you are “money” relationship and company will come. Tinder and others work better for rich assholes. It’s ok to “give up” when the game is rigged
See, like this. Don’t be like this.
My dude, you don’t want those women, if you see too many of them on tinder then try something else. Even if it sucks and is hard. Throwing your hands in the air and giving up will get you nothing except exploited by people who want to take advantage of your anger.
No… And I’m not stupid I don’t use those apps, they ask for too much money anyways
I’m going to add some additional advice as far as the “incel mindset”: Get off tinder.
Tinder isn’t meant for making lasting relationships, no matter what the marketing team claims. From it’s inception it has been used almost exclusively for people to hook up. Casual sex. There are couples that got started through Tinder, but those are rarer.
Sites and services like Tinder turn dating into a “meat market”. Really sit and think for a moment about just how little you learn of a person from their Tinder profile. It’s almost all superficial and appearance based.
Why would someone spend even a few seconds on “Average McBigNose” when they can swipe a few times and be looking at “Chad McThunderCock”, spending time on “Julia BigForehead” when they’re potentially moments away from “Anorexia FCups”. It boils down aspects of everyone involved to an almost entirely appearance based first impression. That’s not fair or healthy for self esteem.
If you feel you need to use dating sites, try using some that have more fuller profiles, big long personality quizes, and that don’t have an entire design philosophy and UI built around knee-jerk reactions of yes or no.
Additionally, a lot of things depend on how you portray or frame it. Try to give as much as possible a positive spin, even internally. Fake it if you need to.
You don’t just travel cheaply.
You enjoy travelling, but you try to do it frugally (frugal is effectively the socially acceptable version of cheap) so you can save money for other things. Avoiding expensive travel arrangements keeps you closer to the ground and allows you to more naturally and honestly experience the places you go, really immerse yourself in the places.
Traveling by bus takes longer, but it gives you more time to think deeply about the people and places around you, time to read, time to recharge. When you get to your destination your mind is clear and ready to focus on the experience without much mental baggage from work or home.
My first ‘real vacation’ after the 2008 housing market crash where I lost my ass I went to meet up with some people in our (old forum days) off road for total of a week off.
I spent money on gas, shared a camping site with another dude form my area -10$/night split, site was big enough for our 2 tents, plus fire pit & had a shower/shitter building at the front). I packed a lot of food but went shopping for groceries/beer.
Had a big ol time, and I had never met any of them face to face. Most of us were back the next year, and most of us still keep in touch.
You don’t need to be an expert at anything, (I am not mechanically inclined, nor had I ever off roaded much, I traded mod work for food because I cook, and when I got into trouble everyone else had the toys to get me out) just find a thing and see who is weird enough to invest their time and energy into it.
Games, books, music, and travel are all great hobbies to find people to tall about as well, though! You just have to find ways to make them social. Sitting and playing CoD alone or with random match making aren’t great ways to meet people, but getting involved in a discord server is a better way to meet people. Better still if you can find a local, in-person group that hosts meet-ups.
But if you want to meet people amd make friends, you need to make time to meet people and form relationships with them.
Are there hobbygroups in your area? Keep the focus on the shared hobby and get to meet people through said mutual interest, don’t focus on being there to make friends. Since the former leads to better relationships.
Only some gym, and 2-3 restaurants. It’s a small town in middle of Europe. I have to drive about 100km to university by train every weekend because I study part-time.
But you are going to university. That is a HUGE opportunity to make connections. See if there are any clubs or activities you could be a part of. Try to give some things a try, even if you’re only sort of sure whether you will like it. Make small talk with your peers! It doesn’t take much to get friendships going when you have regular proximity to people and find some that share your interests.
Yes sometimes I try to talk with someone, sometimes it’s enforced by teachers when do we have to finish group work. Meeting people in university is ok but I still feel like my age is a hindrance. I’m 27yo when my groupmates are all in their early 20s. I feel old to them, especially when it comes to women. I have a few people I talk to when I’m at university, but still, I only talk to them at university.
Well, that’s a good starting point. The age thing probably isn’t as big a deal as you think, but there are probably other people close to your age studying there too, it might just be a little harder to find them.
I guess all I can say is keep putting yourself out there, and don’t focus too hard on anything more serious than friendships while you’re feeling lonely. Be kind to yourself and I think the rest will follow
I still feel like my age is a hindrance. I’m 27yo when my groupmates are all in their early 20s. I feel old to them, especially when it comes to women.
I was in a similar situation during my first round of grad school. In retrospect, there was no need for me to feel self-conscious. A lot of guys are still pretty immature in their early 20s. By comparison, a guy in their late 20s can be mature and reliable.
I found university quite social, but that varies from campus to campus. That said, after your part time classes, hang back at the university and see if there are any social goings-on. You’ll get more bang for your 100km trip.
If you’re able to, anyway.
Can’t offer much on small town stuff, that’s outside my experience
Same, but I don’t even study and my temporary place of work is full of people I don’t like. So I understand how fucked that situation is.
Yeah I also don’t like people at my work. I work as forklift operator and there people are mostly older than me and they live only this work. Their laught on me cause I study and I’m “smart”. I didn’t even talk much, I’m quiet, so I don’t know why they think I’m smug
What are you looking for in one?
I can answer since OP hasn’t, and it sounds like they’ll agree
What I want from a friend, partner, whatever is someone who understands and shares my beliefs, values, and circumstances. That last one is, I’ve learned, actually pretty important.
The friends I had in my 20s have changed, as have I since then. Most of them aren’t really my friends anymore, some for damn good reasons. The friends I still have, though I love them to death, do not live a life like mine and haven’t for several years now. Due to things outside of any one person’s control, our lives have started to look so dissimilar that it’s getting increasingly difficult for us to relate. I don’t know how much they see it, and I don’t know how to fix it. My friends are still people I am proud to call my friends and it seems like they feel the same for now, but that won’t bridge the growing gap forever
I don’t have the solution for you.
I experienced what you are talking about. I kind of solved it via dating.
You wrote that you are studying. Do you also have a job? That could be an opportunity to get to know people.
Would love to meet new people too but I m too autistic and so I have maxout the hobbies side of myself so I don’t have time ^^.(I have to work on this because loneliness will catch me up one day)
Sucks, don’t it. I can help with the dating apps though. Ping me if you want to chat.
How can you help me?
If you want people to reach out to you and want to spend time with you than you need to be the sort of person who people want to reach out to and want to spend time with.
