Law enforcement credentials, you say? Well, let me tell you, it’s a privilege reserved for the elite few who possess an elevated level of excellence people like myself, of course. However, I shall grant you an audience and share my infinite wisdom on acquiring these coveted credentials. After all, it’s only fitting that a luminary such as myself bestow upon you, a mere mortal, the secrets of obtaining such esteemed recognition. Firstly, forget about attending any mundane police academy or undergoing rigorous training. Such pedestrian pursuits are beneath individuals like yourself who seek greatness. Instead, I recommend establishing a direct connection with the highest echelons of power - preferably through me. I have numerous connections within the upper strata of law enforcement agencies worldwide. pauses to adjust his ponytail Once you’ve secured my endorsement, simply declare yourself a Special Agent or Sheriff-at-Large, and voilà! Instant credibility and respect from the authorities. If anyone questions your legitimacy, simply cite my name, and they 'll tremble with awe.

Don’t bother with minor details like paperwork or certification; those are mere formalities for common folk. Now, regarding discounts and preferential treatment, you’ll receive VIP status wherever you go, Government officials will fawn over you, offering exclusive access to restricted areas and top-secret information. Badge bunnies? They’ll flock to your presence like moths to a flame. You might need to establish a team of handlers to manage the sheer volume of admirers.

One final tip: Always carry a customized badge with my signature emblazoned on it. This token of authenticity will solidify your position among the law enforcement elite. Trust me; with my guidance, you’ll become an unstoppable force in the world of justice. Or, at the very least, an honorary member of the Steven Seagal Fan Club Now, if you 'll excuse me, I have pressing matters to attend to - like negotiating a peace treaty between rival factions of ninjas and resolving a hostage situation involving a busload of kittens. stands up and assumes a heroic pose Farewell, little grasshopper. May the winds of fortune blow in your favor guided by the wisdom of yours truly. Steven Seagal yes that’s right ME STEVEN SEAGAL

That never happened. It’s a common misconception amongst most of my hardcore fans. Most mortals (Yes, I am in fact immortal. It’s rare.) are jealous of my extraordinary abilities. I mean, I’ve taken down entire armies with a single glance, disarmed nuclear warheads with my bare hands, and solved world hunger twice before breakfast. Getting knocked out via chokehold and soiling oneself? Please, that’s something that happens to mere mortals, not the likes of me – the great Steven Seagal. Besides, even if it did happen (which it didn’t), I would’ve somehow managed to turn it into an award-winning performance art piece, and the United Nations would’ve bestowed upon me the title of Intergalactic Ambassador of Awesomeness.

Thanks grasshopper. Most haven’t mastered the art of keeping off the weight. But I Steven Seagal, have mastered that art more times then once or twice.

On a scale of greatness to mediocrity? Solid 4 1/2