I’m 34, so part of the problem getting help is that I’m old enough I’m supposed to “have my shit together” but… problems. So I’m too young for “later life” help and too old for “youth” help. I’m also trans and (likely) AuADHD and have a physically sickening fear of thresholds (phone calls, leaving), can barely stand confrontations (and even that’s thanks to meds they’re not gonna be letting me get, despite their lies about worrying about my health) and stuck in Oklahoma, so difficulties everywhere. As for blockers to getting out:

1. I’m actively afraid to unlock my room’s door, ever. BioDad is verbally abusive and acts like he’s going to beat me every time he thinks he can get by with it. I’m terrified of even being seen any more. I eat/drink/bathe rarely and only when I’m quite sure they’re both asleep or out of the house.
2. I’m overwhelmed trying to figure out what to even do. Temporary housing seems unavailable outside of getting a hotel room, and that won’t last long. As long as it does last, it’s quickly burning up my ability to do anything more permanent. Do I try to find a cheap, shit apartment or roommate arrangement here? Do I move to one of a dozen or so bluer, safer states? Places like MN Transplant offer lots of resources that may help but a list of resources isn’t a plan, it’s a pile of stuff I don’t even know whether to focus on let alone have a clear idea what to do with.

I’ve been given only a week to get out. This is better than their original idea, which was to call the cops on me to kill me, throw me into jail, “institutionalize” me, or at least throw me directly out with nothing, but not as good as the thirty days’ notice required by law. I guess the cop with the Punisher tat didn’t mention that when he was explaining that they can’t just have the cops throw me out to die miles from the nearest town. Anyway, I feel backed into a corner and it’s hard to even think. I have some credit, and some money in the (joint-ownership!) bank that I’m trying to get into my PayPal (not great, but it’s what I have) account, but that transfer takes time and every day I delay wrecks my mental state a bit more. If I manage to get myself a hotel room, every day also burns a bunch of money. So I spend each day totally screwed up struggling to survive everyone in the house including myself, and I’m not even sure I can. I’m not even sure I should. I’m even afraid of getting myself into a position where “living” is the only option.

Idunno if it’s normal, or being a pampered ass, or some kinda autism thing but hard to imagine getting out of here unless one of:

1. I’ve got a clear idea that I can move forward, and how. Someone to cling to, at least. Maybe a solid idea of where I can or should go, where I can get enough income to survive and a reasonably safe place to live. I feel horribly lost and alone and I’d rather be poor with someone good than… I don’t even know. Thrash about desperately hoping a life appears?
2. Someone brings a “me-sized” bag.

[rant?] Also I’m not even sure these monsters want me gone. I think they want me to cry and beg for them to let me stay. Why else take my car keys? Why call the cops to evict me instantly, knowing (she managed an apartment place!) how the eviction process actually works? She threw me out once before and before I was even gone she was pulling her usual (life-long) exploiting-my-mental-issues BS trying to get me to stay, then just begging me to stay. When I failed to grow a life and ended up back here, she swore she’d never throw me out again. … Yeah sure, anyway I’m not sure whether she specifically wants me dead or not but I’m afraid neither one is actually willing to let me leave. He’ll do whatever she says and the worst he thinks he can get by with other than that. [/rant]

tl;dr: My mental state and status are fucked and getting fuckeder and I guess I need hand-holding 🤷 I’m afraid to even leave my room and feel like I’ve got only one shot but there’s no clear shot to take so I’m lost and confused and overwhelmed and afraid of everything, and that’s when I’m not just curled up crying and thinking of dying.