like being told to “move my fat ass” or just plain annoying and then telling me they were joking.
This is how assholes test your boundaries to see how far they can push you. It wasn’t a joke until you pushed back.
Schrödinger’s asshole. It’s testing boundaries. If you say something, they’ll claim it was just a joke. If you don’t they’ll keep going and likely get worse.
Damn it, beat me to it. Nip it in the bud. Tell them what you’re not ok “joking” about or being attacked (either at all or what topics are off limits).
You need to set the rules or standards of engagement and let them make the choice to sef-filter themselves out of your life if they choose to ignore the rules you’ve implicitly and explicitly given fair warning about
Show people how to treat you I guess I’m saying. If you dont set standards for yourself, others will fill the vacuum with their own which is not custom made for you. Dont ever worry about onesthat get away or opportunities lost, its never ok to treat yourself as poorly as they were expecting you to succumb to accomodate their convenience and entertainment
Also, anytime someone argues you’re being an asshole or no fun or some other childish rationale, they’re usually 100% trying to manipulate you so be sure to firmly explain you just dont tolerate the problematic behavior that makes yoo feel not good and that it either needs to stop or you are or will be done with them for your own wellness+ its nothing personal + its not a joke
It’s bud. Like cut it off before it blooms into whatever awful thing it’s growing into.
It’s called bullying.
They’re bullying you.
Ugh, I have a friend whose humour often involves mean-spirited jibes and put-downs. I was in a low mood one day and told him I didn’t like the tone of his “jokes”, that they sometimes stung. He really dialled back after that.
You’re fortunate. I had a friend who was similar, but rather than verbal, his jokes generally involved intentionally acting in a way he knew you found annoying. I once told him that being annoying was, in fact, annoying and not amusing. He said “sorry I upset you. I’ll probably keep doing it though.” I said that that wasn’t what sorry meant … He didn’t respond and did, indeed, keep doing it.
He and I have both grown up a lot since then. I don’t see him often, but I don’t think he’s intentionally annoying anymore.
Depends. Sometimes they take a bad swing at a joke and realize they fucked it up… sometimes though they’re just assholes they are trying to cover being an ass.
It’s usually a matter of context to tell which is which.
Oh yeah that’s generally true, but something like calling a person fat just sounds like someone’s being an asshole and then when they get called out they turn it into your problem for being “too sensitive” because it was “just a joke” – ie. continuing to be an asshole
The correct thing to do with a swing and a miss like that is to apologize. If there’s no apology, it’s the asshole thinking they have an actual excuse.
this happens to me all the time
tfkirp issthty
Most of the times I swing and miss with a joke, the other person just doesn’t connect with my humor. Instead of being offended, I find they’re just confused by what just happened.
For example, I had a joke I found funny, but apperently I’m the only one who finds it funny.
See, what you do is…you go to a place that wouldn’t have mustard, like a bus stop. And you ask
Uhhhh…where’s the mustard?
And they say something that indicates they don’t know, or there isn’t any. And you say
Oh, ok. Sorry.
I find that joke hilarious. Nobody else gets it. But they aren’t offended…
If your neighbour’s donkey is eating your flowers you’re entitled to ask them to move their fat ass.
Over time, you start seeing a pattern. If the (superficially) rude things mostly make you laugh, it’s the former, if they mostly make you feel bad, it’s the latter.
this is known as schrodinger’s asshole. they are serious or kidding depending on the results they get
There is this strange belief that humor is exempt from consequences.
In the book “Jam” by “Yahtzee Croshaw” there is a post-apocalyptic sect formed by a group of people from an internet forum. They are not stupid of course; they form a sect ironically. Then they worship a rambling drunk old man called Bob ironically and have ironic sermons and ironically imprison nonbelievers at the ironic orders of the High Priest.
If you point out that this is stupid and evil, they will roll their eyes and go “Duh!”, then ironically execute you for heresy.
lol that sounds great. Is it a comedy?
He’s the guy who did the Zero Punctuation game reviews for The Escapist so probably.
Note he still does hose kind of videos under a different name for Second Wind.
And also is still writing books! I think it came before Jam, but Mogworld is a great one.
An interesting but largely unrelated aside: he’s also the one who coined the term “PC Master Race,” apparently.
edit: Corrected a word.
Good to know. Thank you!
You see when any kind of asshole wants to be an asshole, they’ll say some things. If you like and/or agree, it’s all good with them. If you get offended then they get to be a different kind of asshole because you don’t like them being an asshole. They are banking on most people’s unwillingness to be confrontational and call them on their bullshit, especially women, minorities, or members of any other vulnerable group.
There’s only two functional counters to their assholery; either be confrontational and be a bigger but contextually justified asshole to them until they fuck off, or retreat. While counterattacking is more likely to get them to back down or realize they can’t always be an asshole, it comes with inherent risks that make most people avoid it. This is understandable, as you never know what kind of maniac the asshole might be, and local or immediate circumstances might not favor you. However if you’re in a position to put them in your place and willing to accept the any possible harm, it’s morally and ethically justifiable to stand up to them.
“In what way is that funny?” Is a simple way of countering the “it’s a joke”-cover for assholery.
Most of the time they’re just assholes.
In the terms of the cliche, they’re trying to have their cake and eat it too.
They want the immediate gratification of being rude assholes, so they do it just long enough for that initial rush, then they back away to try to avoid the consequences.
Because the last thing some people want to do is be accountable
They really think everything is ok as long as it’s just a joke
Maybe they’re republican
Let’s make this about politics too because we simply can’t have a thread without someone bringing up politics. Thanks for your contribution on making this place worse for everyone.
Is it politics, or is it diagnosing someone with a mental condition? I can’t keep track anymore.
No assholes like this are parts of both parties.
Along with assholes testing boundaries that others have said. It can also be someone trying to be witty and speaking before they processed the implications of what they said. I know I have done that but I also showed regret when telling someone I meant it in jest.
Your examples are clearly not that though they were just an ass and didn’t want to deal with the consequences of being such.
I think that some people are just assholes. And other people are too sensitive.
Sometimes its a bit of both. Sometimes its one or the other.
I enjoy mercilessly shit talking people who mercilessly shit talk me back. But I have the social awareness to recognize when this isn’t appropriate, and to treat people the way they want to be treated, not how I want to be treated.
The difference between a joke and bullying is entirely down to the victim. They are allowed to be as sensitive as they want. “Its just a joke” tries to turn it back on them. The only reasonable response is along the lines of "I intended it as a joke, but obviously screwed up. I’m sorry. "
The only grey area are those who are happy to dish it out, but not receive. You should expect people to wind you up to the same level you wind them/others to.
“It’s just a joke” is perfectly valid, dammit. Once. After that, do not repeat it - you already know the person you aim it at doesn’t enjoy it.
Nope.
It’s down to you to either read the room correctly or apologise for getting it wrong. You just don’t get judged too harshly for the first offence.
